Why You Should Never, Ever Learn to Golf

Golf is a passion of mine that started late for me.  My fascination with the game dates back to the Rocco Mediate/Tiger Woods US Open Playoff and the miraculous British Open Run that Tom Watson somehow managed to almost pull off.  I had always been a huge fan of sports, but golf was something that just didn’t come to me until later on in life.  And honestly, I kind of wish it never had come to me!  Why, you ask?  Well…

Golf is a treacherous game.  Just look at the professionals.  If those guys can rack up 10s and 14s, then how on earth am I going to learn this crap?  To be completely honest with you, you’re not.  I’m sorry, but you aren’t going to just suddenly become a great golfer.  There are very few people that didn’t start early that became good golfers.  Those people, though, are usually GREAT athletes.  And even some of those guys can’t play a lick.  Just look at Charles Barkley!  Trust me, you’ll become a pro at throwing golf clubs in a hurry.  Don’t be ashamed, it’s fun.

Golf is very physically demanding.  One thing you should never, ever do is decide to walk in the summertime.  There is a damn good reason professionals have caddies.  I learned why very quickly.  Carrying that bag is a b****.  It is simply the worst experience of your life to walk up and down hills while trying to find that tiny little white ball.  All the while you’re thirsty and sweating all on your plaid.  Just a bad situation.

Golf is also addicting.  Yes, I said it.  Golf is something that makes you want to play more and more, even if you just plain out suck.  All golfers have been there.  You play once and you want to continue playing.  Why?  Well, you know how you’re going to suck, right?  Well, there’s just one problem.  One of these days, and probably on your first time, you’re going to hit a great shot.  Yes, I said it.  A great shot.  Whether you’re on the practice range or on the course, you’re going to feel good about yourself.  So, you try to do it again.  Of course, you fail to hit a good shot the next time.  And the next time.  And the time after that.  But, you keep coming back for that one good shot.  It’ll come again, eventually, but it won’t be anytime soon.  And by then you’ll have spent a lot of money and time playing something that is so frustrating.

Golf etiquette also is ridiculous.  Some of the rules and customs are just nonsensical and you many are unwritten, so you won’t know you’ve done something wrong until you’ve done it.  Rolling with the punches sucks when everyone around you knows what they’re doing and you simply don’t.  Don’t look like a dope.  Don’t start playing!